Crisis, trials and stress. Oh my!
Crisis: an interesting word. What deems a situation to be a crisis? The dictionary would tell you it is “a time of intense difficulty, trouble, or danger,” and that makes sense, but I think that is incomplete. When you dissect the symbols for the word “crisis” in Chinese, it breaks down to be “danger plus opportunity.” There are ways we can learn and grow from the crises we encounter throughout our lives, not only individually, but also as a family.
This week we looked over some different ways people cope; some were healthy while others were not. In Lauer and Lauer’s book, Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy, some ineffective coping patterns listed were denial, avoidance, and scapegoating, whereas some effective coping patterns listed were to take responsibility, affirm your own and your family’s worth, balance self-concern with other-concern, learn the art of reframing, and find and use available resources.
Denial is a special ineffective coping pattern because there are times when it can be helpful. It can be a resource to help us make a plan for moving forward, but when denial is used for an extended time, it stops reality from setting in. It makes it extremely difficult to do what is necessary for growth. I knew a couple that were unable to have children, and the husband and wife handled the situation very differently. The husband recognized the reality of where they stood, but the wife was in a state of constant denial. She began to collect realistic baby dolls as a sort of replacement for her lack of children. She dresses them and changes their clothes daily, or sometimes multiple times a day. She puts them in strollers and takes them on walks. Needless to say, she didn’t handle it in the healthiest way. They did end up getting a divorce because they just couldn’t move forward together.
From the effective coping patterns provided by Lauer and Lauer, I would like to highlight the art of reframing. I met with a therapist for a little while, and something he would say frequently was “you need to learn to reframe your brain.” What he meant by that was I needed to identify my thoughts, stop them, and try to look at them more realistically. For example, let’s say I had to give a speech of sorts, but I was having a hard time getting the words right. If my thoughts were, “I’m so stupid. I’ll never be able to say the right thing. I should be better at this,” I was telling myself a couple things: 1. I was thinking in absolutes, prohibiting room for growth, and 2. I was looking at the situation unrealistically. Often, those thoughts come on with no warning. We get so used to our thoughts that we don’t actively think of them as, well, thoughts. What my therapist was telling me to do was identify the thought, dissect it a bit (why did I think that? Is it actually true? What is the real problem here?), and look at it with a new eye. Now, I could think, “I’m not quite getting the message across that I would like to, but I have time to figure it out. This does not mean I am incapable of doing this.”
It is important to clarify that reframing your mindset does not simply mean that you need to be positive all the time. I listened to a podcast this morning about balancing positivity and negativity (link for that below on Apple Podcasts). It is critical to be honest about what is going on. Sometimes life is rough. There are days that everything seems to simply be going awry. I am of the personal belief that there are good things to find in every day, but I also believe it is essential to let yourself feel the less than ideal things as well. The good doesn’t wipe away the bad, but it can help you through it.
One final thought: difficult situations can bring people together or push them apart. Find the resources, make the most of them, and work with the people surrounding you to best get through trials and crises. Rely on your family. Let your experiences bring you together.
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/crisis-help-lines/in-crisis?lang=eng (a list of hotlines worldwide where you can call about the crisis you are in. Not just for suicidal thoughts.)
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/bc/content/shared/english/charities/pdf/2020/WEL_PD60011068_MinisteringGuideForSomeoneInCrisis_FINAL.pdf (a resource for trying to help someone else through a crisis.)
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